diary

i feel awful! it's a few (hopefully less) days until i get my period and i have been in a godawful mood since yesterday. everything is irritating, i want to cry for no real reason. i wanted to break my computer over a stupid drawing i couldn't get right and everything moving in my peripheral vision makes me want to rip my eyes out. violent thoughts. i'm going to be fine, i know this is just how my brain chemicals react to my hormone levels at certain phases of my cycle but oh how i do wish that i never felt like this.

i wish i could crush glass in my fists right now dude like. i curse the organs inside my body that are just trying to function. a lot of my dysphoria comes from this. a lot of my wish to be in another body comes from this. i would not wish this shit on anyone. the onset is sudden, although predictable enough because it's always in luteal phase days before menstruation, and once it really hits me, i don't come out of this storm cloud until i bleed.

everything feels like an attack, every attack is like a knife. i can either be vicious back or become so withdrawn i barely make a sound, and i oscillate between these states. i've made some progress in controlling this, and have become more open about telling others what i'm feeling. i hope that i can gain some more control over it as i get myself medical and mental health care. i'm learning to be more gentle to myself and how to ask others for help or just to be left alone if i need it. it's hard. i don't want to be a burden and i don't want to hurt anyones feelings.

been busy! work this week was awesome, half the week i just sat on neopets and listened to podcasts bc i had to wait for my yubikey to be sent to my house. got to read some fun neopets message board drama, just like the old days. once i got to working on actual training, the bulk of it is just a refresher for me. i'm learning how this company does things their own way, but i already know the gist of it and it's smooooth sailin for me. :3 my coworkers all have really cool and interesting backgrounds and i'm excited to get to know them more. very happy to be back at it. i feel accomplished and my moods are becoming more stable because of it, i think. maybe work is just a cope. idk but the only news that matters is that i'm doing good and feeling better.

i'm drinkin a high noon rn and listening to my friend's appalachian cuntry playlist, it's pretty awesome. fun fact, i knew that my dad's side of the family was from mt. carmel, PA, but i didn't know that it was appalachian territory. kind of crazy to me just because i've always felt connected to the mountains and last year i bought a really cool book of essays about queer appalachia. anyway, i made a pretty cute baby snoopy pixel today, i'm trying to get used to asperite. feeling more creative! counting down the days 'til i'm back in philly. i realized earlier that it's only two weeks from now. feels simultaneously like so much and so little time. everything prior to this week has been a blur, for the most part. hoping to get to the beach next weekend. gotta pack in some florida specific activities before we leave, who knows when we'll be back down again. some parts have been nice (spending time with my gf's sibling and their partner, getting to see somewhere new), but the rest. not so great. it's funny feeling like i'm not being seen as a gay trans person while also being psychically called slurs. like with just a look in public, i know what they're thinking of me. they're right, but like, they look down on me for it.

i'm excited to be in a home that i'll share with my gf, who i know sees me for who i am, and with our new roomie who is like us, too. i feel blessed to have so much to look forward to these days. i feel like i can focus on the things that i want to make progress with, and i'm proud of how far i've come.

killing some time while on ""lunch"" for my new ""job."" first day is kinda lame, a lot of computer troubleshooting, none of us can get our yubikeys to work, haven't done anything but set up my work station, sit in a call with people on mute, and submit my desired schedule and my bio to be sent out after training. my gf is out getting us lunch right now. :3 going to eat an asada burrito!

i was feeling really overwhelmed this morning because of how much equipment i had to set up and it literally like jumbled up my brain, i was sweating and gritting my teeth. more than most things, i need to learn how to handle stress better, i really have no idea how to do it and taking a deep breath never seems to help, but maybe i'm just being impatient.

anyway, i can't wait to be done work! i kind of want to go for a bike ride. since being in florida, i haven't taken much time to go outside and take a walk or anything because it's hot and humid and also i don't want to be hate crimed. but idk i'm not as worried about being hate crimed, i present feminine enough that at most i'll just be misgendered and that's whatever. but yeah especially like being tethered to a computer for most of my time, getting outside is gonna be really important.

yard sale day 1 was successful enough, florida is full of the oldest people you've ever seen. otherwise, super uneventful day. got my wfh equipment for my new job, found a desk to buy, made some rly yummy mashed potatoes, pulled my hair out trying to make pixel art of glep from smiling friends. i get so frustrated if i don't succeed at something immediately, most of the time i just give up lol. but i'm trying not to do that! it is okay to fail at something and keep trying!

so like i'm trying to find internet things that i missed out on if they're still around. i downloaded furcadia, made a character, and like as soon as someone whispered at me i logged off. ;_; gotta work on that social anxiety like you know it's bad when even speaking to a stranger you will never actually see makes your heartrate jump. so now i'm gonna give maplestory a go. prolly another download and delete, but idk i'm bored! ... actuallyyyy i didn't even make it through the whole download bc it's going so slow and i'm like ok forget it. ;_;

not a ton to talk about today. my mood is off because i didn't get much sleep and my hormones are about to wreck my shit for 3 days. i have like 0 patience and i just want to be left alone and i don't want to hurt anyones' feelings by saying that so i'm just like well. guess i'll be passive aggressive about it. which is just like ??? make it make sense. being direct is far less hurtful than just acting weird and not explaining why. idk like it's chill and normal to be a constant work in progress and yes i am worthy of love and Good just how i am but sometimes i want to hammer nails into my skull so i can let some of the evil spirits out. in all seriousness, it is good to catch myself, it sucks i didn't do it before i started ruminating and shaming myself for it but at least i'm self-aware. IN RELATED NEWS, i can go get a damn therapist like next week. and a primary doctor. and a top surgery consult. and a dental cleaning. lord knows i need it all and more.

ok hang on, speaking of new job, i'm starting on monday and i am already getting email after email. like. i knew i was going back to a more corporate type of job, desk job shit, you know the type, but i forgot how often you're.. bothered. and i have to learn how to not be bothered, cause i'm hoping to keep this job for a very long time. losing my last job in the same field and position was like astronomically detrimental to my well-being and removed a lot of stability from my life. i need stability to function, i am a taurus moon. that reminds me, i need to make like an astrology chart interpretation section for my about page. thoughts bouncing around, i am a gemini sun! anyway, kind of nervous for the huge change that working remotely again will be, even though i've done it before. i have to remind myself that change is neutral, it just is, change is part of living life. like look back on your life and imagine if nothing changed. gross.

i've spent hours and hours working on this site and i think i'm finally happy with it. it's far from finished, realistically it will never be finished, but i'm happy to have a cute and cozy home for myself on the internet. :3 a place to put all my thoughts besides a timeline blasted to friends and other social media followers! blech. i've become really jaded about social media like, understandably so, but if i catch myself scrolling, i fall into heavy shame spirals. i think that my main thought process behind it, and especially given that i've actually ..Made something in my spare time now, is that my time should be spent elsewhere. i should give mere minutes to the apps, not hours like i was.

anyway. i think that all of the work that went into making this site, combing through inspirational sites, seeing neat little pixels on my screen, sharing interests and aesthetic preferences with countless webmasters is helping me rediscover my identity. i love and miss internet creativity, ya don't get that on the apps too often. even the artists are struggling with creative freedom. it's sad, it sucks, and i'm done ranting about the apps now lol.

i guess this is a good time to say that, uh, i am a fuckin' yapper. when i physically take out my journal and write, i yap too, but blogging is a whole other level and i haven't blogged in years bro. i've always been better at expressing myself through written words rather than spoken, and there are physical limitations to writing by hand (my hand cramps up and i'm in pain and pissed off bc i'm in pain).

back to talking about identity. it's hard for me to express myself. i mask very heavily socially and tend to play it safe. the only time in my life where i was almost fully unmasked and expressing myself socially was when i was uh, partying a lot, and i think i can attribute my carefree attitude to the substances i was often on. shout out to adderall and vyvanse, i literally need you, but that's going to be an annoying and expensive process. but anyway, yeah, i can be myself on the internet. i can dress my site up in bright colors that i don't feel comfortable wearing irl. i can put all of my interests on display for everyone, including myself, to see rather than blanking when i'm asked what i like. idk... it just feels rly nice!

lol i got sidetracked from blogging and put a little more work into the site. i guess that's one drawback, of journaling on my own site and of undiagnosed and unmedicated adhd.

but to be honest i am even sleepier than before, at least like, my mind is sleepy. and i want to lay down and shut my eyes and listen to a podcast or sumn. got a potentially? long day ahead of me tomorrow, having a yard sale at my gf's mom's house and i'm supposed to uh wake up um early. :D having a blast doing this. really jazzed on it. alright time to rest.